The River Green

With less than 48 hours until the beginning of the end, I find myself quite distracted from the final projects due for my classes. The irony is that if I rush to finish now, I’ll be completely done with this term and on break for the next two and a half weeks, but if I am to believe the end is coming within 48 hours, I will have wasted my last days doing school work. Rather than writing my final papers and enjoying my time off, I’m forced to contemplate life and the meaning thereof. Also, I am famous for procrastinating. This is as good a reason as any to do so.

For as long as a stream of people have been able to follow a single path, there has been someone at some random point along the way with warnings that ‘the end is near’. Starting in the early 90s, that path has included, to a large extent, the internet. Thus, we can readily find oration on all manner of complex, graphic descriptions of how the world will end, by all manner of someones at random points in cyberspace. The first widespread prediction of the end of civilization as we know it, within the context of this medium, was Y2K. Of course, the century changed with no measurable events that could be construed as civilization’s downfall.

And after that, the next major date we had to fear was the year 2036, when the asteroid 99942 Apophis was supposed to have crashed into the earth, triggering an extinction level event, whereby the sun would be blocked by dust and debris resulting from an impact, for several months. This was, for a time, the source of much consternation among the general public. Upon closer investigation, if 99942 Apophis does impact the earth, the most devastating result would be a tsunami, should it fall into either the Pacific or Atlantic ocean. Naturally, the closer to the impact site, the greater the effects, but hardly enough to have a sustained global environmental effect. The Tunguska event in 1908 released the equivalent of between 8 and 10 megatons of TNT. 99942 Apophis would be on the measure of between 150 and 200 megatons. By comparison, the eruption of Krakatoa in 1883 produced about the equivalent of 250 megatons. Not that an impact would be easily dismissed, but it’s hardly worth attributing to it the label ‘harbinger of the end of days’.

Interestingly, the next most terrible end of days scenario involves the end of the Mayan Calendar on 21 December 2012… at 11:11 UTC. This date and time represents the end of the long count of the 5,125 year cycle that the Mayans crafted to keep track of the transiting sun and moon across the sky. Coincidentally, and perhaps only intended as a universal point of reference, the earth will align with the center of the galaxy, unobstructed, for the first time in about 29,000 years. One ramification of this alignment is a direct dose of gamma rays that are thrown out from the galactic core, which would have the unpleasant result of sterilizing the planet’s surface. Only the ocean’s floors and deep caverns inside mountains would escape the radiation. On the show Ancient Aliens on the History Channel (you see the irony in that, right?), a contributor posits that increasing global temperature is not confined to earth, but the phenomenon can be observed in the atmospheres of every planet in the solar system (even Pluto). The only reasonable explanation is that the closer toward a galactic core alignment the sun and planets get, the greater the effects of the gamma radiation on the entire solar system. Never mind the scores of satellites in orbit around the planet designed to detect event he slightest increase in gamma particles- a tell tale sign of a nuclear weapons detonation. So sensitive are these satellites, that when first launched, managed to detect gamma ray bursts in galaxies halfway across the universe. If this alignment is going to sterilize the surface of the earth, why did it not do so 29,000 years ago, thus dooming humanity, along with our primary food source- cows, to extinction.

As inheritors of the Mayan culture, Mexico has embraced the artistic value that the calendar represents; It was, for years, the central motif on the 1 Peso bill. Paradoxically, the ‘long count’ Mayan calendar is the one that ends in 2012- and it is linear. This is different than the ‘calendar round’ or ‘round count’ calendar that is still in use today in some parts of Guatemala and remote Mayan enclaves in Mexico. No real significance is attached, in the Mayan culture, to the end of the linear long count calendar. It is assumed that there were previous ‘ages’ and that merely another age would begin again, presumably at 11:12 UTC on 21 December 2012. Since the culture was exterminated upon Spanish conquest in the 1600s, a long count calendar indicating the fate of the world for the next age of 5,125 years, could hardly have been engraved on any stone face. Furthermore, the round count calendar seems to indicate that the day after the end of the long count calendar is a day of no major significance.

I mentioned that this particular end of days scenario is interesting… here’s why: predictions that asteroid 99942 Apophis will impact the earth on 13 April 2036, will come to fruition if the asteroid passes through a particular gravitational keyhole hundreds of thousands of miles from earth. The indication of this passage will occur exactly 7 years before supposed impact, on 13 April 2029 (a Friday!). As it happens, both of these dates are mentioned in inscriptions to dates beyond the end of the current 5,125 year cycle- one is the arrival of the god Bolon Yokte' K'uh, the other roughly corresponds to the investiture of Bolon Yokte' K'uh in the form of a completed temple. Loosely translated, this means that abut 17 after the end of the Mayan calendar this December, a Mayan god will appear and a temple will begin to be built in his honor. 7 years after that, it will be completed and the god will be honored with much human sacrifice and perhaps a game or two of ulama. Aside from the amusing correspondences of these dates, there is nothing that purports the end of civilization as we know it.

Were I to worry about the end of civilization (as I do on occasion), I would be far more concerned with the slow deterioration of the human immune system resulting from the over use of ‘anti-bacterial’ products such as hand sanitizer and other detergents. Only those with less than socially acceptable hygienic habits will inherit the earth following the imminent pandemic.

This coming Saturday, 21 May, is supposed to usher in a period of rapture, whereby the ‘good’ people are whisked away to heaven and the rest of us are left to writhe in hellish agony until the world is destroyed five months later on 21 October.

After this Saturday passes without incident, when all is well and good, come 22 December 2012, when Apophis is either blown to smithereens, or otherwise rendered innocuous by the ingenuity of humankind and, finally, when the smelly people inherit the earth just after the rest of us die of a cold, the next big thing to worry about will occur on 28 January 2044: the last day of the 79th cycle of the 60-year cyclical Chinese Lunar calendar. That’s when dumplings will rise against humans and take over Golden Dragon Buffets all over the world.

I, for one, welcome our dumpling overlords.

Labels: unlikely events

I think I have subconsciously sabotaged my own computer so that I can avoid my math class... and in royal fashion. However, my life is now turned upside down and it feels like I am missing a huge portion of myself. This is because of the brilliant, smart and intelligent move by the idiot 'Raul', a service technician at KU, whose idea to re-install Firefox without my consent during a session share, caused my bookmarks, user names and passwords to become part of the great wind. Thank you, Raul. May your testicles be clamped for all of eternity and may your face be coated in maggot shit for ten years.

Labels: random events , unlikely events

There is a back-story before we get into Unlikely and Random Event (or URE) II of Saturday, 17 January 2009...

The computer was taking longer than normal to pull the latest RSS feeds into my aggregator the night before (this would be Friday night), so I decided to do without any sort of breaking news (though I did miss that there was video of the plane landing in the Hudson) and retire to the bedchamber. The top of my office window had been cracked to allow for smoke to escape, so I proceed to close it and noticed that not only was there a strange noise coming from outside, it appeared that our youngest cat, Manfred, was at the top of the back steps, stuck.

What's more, the strange noise seemed to be emanating from him. I quickly jumped into action, retrieving my flashlight and throwing on a pair of shoes, leaving my coat behind even though the temperature at that time was 7 below. After running full speed to the area where I thought Manfred was, I noticed that there was nothing but a snow heap that looked strangely like a cat, if one were to look at the heap from a particular direction and at a specific angle. In frustration, I demolished the snow heap with a kick and headed back inside via the side gate, just to make sure that our precious angel had not ventured out into the wilderness of the side yard. Upon regaining entry to the house through the front door and finally making my way to the bed room, I found Manfred quietly asleep at the foot of our bed.

Mystery solved. At least partially. What had made that awful noise? It really did sound like a cat in distress. Oh well, perhaps it was another cat in the neighborhood- we do have alot of those.

Unlikely and Random Event I

During the hitherto quiet Saturday morning, while anxiously viewing the video of the plane landing in the Hudson River on You Tube, I heard Marieke step outside, having called to the front door from the kitchen. Curious, I made my way down the steps to find that she was conversing on the porch with one of the two 'Corgi Ladies' that live on our street, with whom we are friendly, but not acquainted.

At first step out the front door, Marieke turned to me and asked what the name of Kara's first floor neighbor was- I didn't know. Linelle proceeded to re-tell the story she had obviously told Marieke before my arrival. Said neighbor's car, a teal Plymouth Sundance (previously marred by a brick through the windshield not 4 months prior), had been parked in front of their house for at least the past two hours while running. Concerned for the safety of the owner, Linelle had a police car dispatched to deal with the unusual situation.

The police informed her that the car was that of one of her neighbors, but could not provide exact identification. Linelle and her partner, Judy, then attempted to gain assistance from our end of the street, where she eventually came upon us. After failing to succinctly describe the confusing location of the owner's apartment within the mire of Kara's current multi-tenant domicile, I accompanied Linelle to the premises, two doors down, where we discovered the owner to be either not at home or not aware of our exertion to find him.

Finally and as a last resort- and by last, I mean that we had gone to all three of the doors associated with the apartment of the car owner- Linelle asked for the phone number of the landlord.

Oh lord.

His name is Yan. No manner of Pulitzer-prize winning author, or indeed, non-Pulitzer-prize winning author, in either the realms of fiction or non-fiction could possibly define this man by use of any known literary devise, creed or creativity. To describe him as simply a unique individual would be to describe the soon-to-be-former President of the United States (and in all likelihood, the current former President) in the same manner. They both are charming in person and on the surface there is a certain appeal and charm to the manner in which they express their personality. But the policies of these two leave a great many people, including neighbors, associates and those who have unwittingly given them authority, wondering if they are within the framework of any sort of pre-defined and existing law.

Any attempt at further description will heave this into voluminous explorations of sociology, psychology and other such subjects, of which I am ill-qualified to render.

At first contact between Yan and Linelle, the conversation seemed to be hindered by a thick accent on the other end of the phone and the fact that this end was grounded in logic. The second attempt didn't go very far either. By the third phone call, it was apparent that Yan took as much interest in the subject as he did with needed repairs to his properties.

The abrupt conclusion of the conversations led both Judy and Linelle to the unfortunate realization that the situation could not be helped by Yan. We parted ways with well-wishes and a promise to keep each other updated as the situation evolved.

At this time, I am not certain of the outcome... updates forthcoming. In and of itself, it could have just been a Random Event, normally not blog-worthy. The fact that it happened in the same day and within minutes of other Unlikely Events which also carry the distinction of Random, it is a part of this account.

Unlikely and Random Event II

Within minutes of stepping back into the house, I was prompted to fulfill the dogs request to visit the yard, since my absence and subsequent return was obviously an excuse to play in the snow. As I opened the screen door, I noticed an odd looking item that did not fit in with the other odd looking items of my placement in the mud room. It was a can top without its can. I questioned Marieke on its origins and was stunned by her answer.

She had come across the object laying in front of the door in the mud room on the floor, accompanied by the long lighter I use in the summer to start the grill. She then informed me that both the kitchen door to the mud room and the mud room door to the outside were unlocked as was the front door, when she first came down this morning to let the dogs out. Since there were numerous other odd looking items in the mud room, the origins of which she never questioned, as it was sort of my 'area', she didn't really give much thought to it; instead, simply relocated it to a spot where it would do no harm to anyone traversing the room.

Given our location of Greenfield, suspicious activity never came into mind. This was not the first time we had left one or more doors unlocked during the night due to our safety of being situated between two rather long and dangerously cumbersome sets of steps.

I, on the other hand, did not recognize this particular item, for it was so unusual, I would surely have made a mental note of its strange appearance before now.

For at least the past four or five years, Marieke has lovingly persuaded me to wake up by setting a steaming cup of coffee on my nightstand. She has informed me that I usually take this time to regale her in tales that either make no sense or are spoken in foreign tongues. I remember telling her of my exploits the night before that resulted in the kicking over of a snow heap that resembled Manfred, but she took this as just one of my many pre-wake-up, post-sleep deliriums she occasionally suffers through. She also stated that if true, she figured I was again sleep-walking (another of my afflictions she as patiently and understandingly suffered through during our relationship) and had placed the item, along with the long lighter in front of the door in a manner consistent with my unending effort to produce symmetrical lines of things during parasomnia.

I don't normally recall episodes of sleep walking and certainly not in that detailed a manner- and I seem to have trouble with screen doors when sleep walking (a fact which has kept me inside)- so I couldn't have been the night before.

After exchanging looks of puzzlement at the origins of the odd yet interesting item in question, my investigation began.

Of course, one begins such investigations with the philosophies of Sherlock Holmes close at hand: "When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth."

Sleep walking was eliminated. Thus, the only logical explanation was that a strange person had entered the house, intent on plunging us into the quagmire of a mystery for reasons unknown, placed the interesting item on the floor in front of the door in the mud room in perfect relation to the long lighter. Without the usual pipe and magnifying glass, I ventured outdoors in search of the quagmire-inducing mystery person. Only one set of footprints were present at the side gate- mine from the night before. The back gate was undisturbed, as was the layer of snow covering the tire kept in front of the gate to keep the dogs from eating the people who walk past.

Marieke suggested that perhaps we had another case of hobos living nearby... the shed in the back, perhaps, since Autumn (who located the hobo guesting in the basement area of our old apartment) had been frequently going in there to sniff around. This was improbable because Oskar would have eaten him by now- and it was too cold to survive. But her suggestion got me thinking about the front door having been unlocked. I went on a frantic search for my wallet because that would be a logical end to these mystery-inducing means. The wallet was in my office. OK. What about the DVDs? Surely, whoever placed such an odd object was throwing us from the theft of our DVDs. They're all there. By the fates- what is going on here?!

The solution presented itself only after the events of the third URE.

Unlikely and Random Event III

For the past five consecutive summers, a blue-jay has been resident in the trees to the front of the side yard. Aside from their constant and irritating screaming every fifth second, they were of no concern to us. Until one of them dive-bombed me and left a gash in my head. Ever the stand-shoulder-to-shoulder-you-mess-with-my-family-you-mess-with-me kind of person Neil is, he scored an amazing shot to the blue-jay with his paint ball pistol about two days after the gash was inflicted.

We identified him later that summer by the yellow paint ball shell still lodged in his wing, when the bird flew into the porch for some retribution; all he managed to do was scream what sounded like a convincing approximation of my name- which duly freaked me out.

After Neil enlisted himself in the US Navy, I was forced to do battle with this bird on my own, though there were no further confrontations. I suspected the bird was 'sharpening his claws', as it were, for battle in the coming spring.

Having a suspicion that the perpetrator of UREII had used the small gap between our house and the one next-door to inflict his mystery on us, I went back outside to look for indications of his/her presence. It was then that the events of UREIII unfolded. On my way to look down the gap between the houses, I heard some rustling from the yard next-door. At first I didn't see what was there. I moved closer to the house to get a better view and to my utter amazement, I saw it.

Quietly, I called Marieke to the door and she saw it too. A Peregrine Falcon had the remains of a blue-jay pinned to the ground with its talons. The bird was near the top of the hill next door, too far away to obtain a better view. Marieke asked me where the camera was and brought it back, handing it to me.

The falcon must have been one of the ones living on the Cathedral of Learning. There are no other Peregrine Falcons within the city.

We watched as the majestic creature began de-feathering its prey.

Simply amazing.

And comforting. No blue-jay attacks to worry about this spring!

It was very cold that morning, so we watched for about another five minutes and would have liked to have stayed longer, but had to retreat back into the house.

Unlikely and Random Event II (conclusion)

Hoping I could get a better view of the carnage taking place mere feet from us, I went upstairs and looked out of my office window to find the event was obstructed by trees.

Satisfied that nature would take its course and the blue-jay would soon become nothing more than a splatter on someone's windshield, I was confronted with the as yet unsolved mystery of earlier that morning.

While Marieke was drying the dishes, we went over the facts that were present so far in our investigation.

We had a can lid without the can that nobody had placed in the position Marieke found it that morning.

Wait a minute.

We had all sorts of cans back there... for Christmas! They were the beverages and we kept them back there because we had no room for the giant ham AND the cans of pop.

Suppose one of those cans was still in the mud room and exploded from the record cold snap!!

Marieke's eyes went wide... that had to be the culprit.

Sure enough, I discovered a can of Diet Dr. Pepper filled with slush and without its lid! I took the lid, looking for a fit and found one. Even the source of the dents in the lid were apparent as I saw that the can was hidden under a plant pot and estimated the trajectory of the can lid upon explosion. It was a pretty good estimation- complete with sound effects and everything!

On the ceiling was a huge mound of stuck on frozen Diet Dr. Pepper. As we looked around the mud room we found several mounds of frozen Diet Dr. Pepper.

At least that mystery was solved. Now, what about the noises I heard that sounded like a cat in distress? Marieke came up with a brilliant solution: it was probably trapped gas in the can seeking escape through any minor opening it could find in the about-to-explode can. I probably missed the sound of the actual explosion in my efforts to save the mound-of-snow-that-looked-like-a-cat.

This may seem utterly random and completely unlikely, but in our house, it's just one of 365 other days on the calendar.

Labels: random events , unlikely events