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31 August 2008
To anyone who has had this affliction: my sympathy is with you.
Primarily located on my left arm, with patches on my legs and knees, it is easily one of the most maddening medical maladies I have yet suffered.
It is a battle scar in the war against Japanese Knot Weed. The battle did not go my way and now I am so painfully and uncomfortably aware that the treacherous Poison Ivy is now in league with the equally treacherous JKW.
Having a seemingly healthy epidermis for nearly 10 days after a particularly exhaustive day of yard work gave rise to an ever growing paranoia that something far more sinister was at hand as evidenced by my first reaction (as always the most extreme, unlikely): 'My god! I have the flesh-eating virus!'.
Upon completing the first two paragraphs of my last will and testament, I realized, quite starkly, that nobody I knew could possibly want, need or theoretically possess as new owner, my extensive collection of Chinese literature. To hell with the will... I WANTED TO LIVE DAMMIT. Nearing the end of the internet, and with hope fading fast that my problem was something other than what was originally thought, I at last happened upon an article in my least favorite places to gain knowledge: Wikipedia. There, I read that urushiol-induced contact dermatitis might actually be the true cause of my suffering.
Only slightly relieved, I learned from other sources that the incessant itching would last nearly three weeks. Though not contagious, poison ivy deposits its noxious resin on everything and lasts for literally years. When burned, the primary toxin is released into the air, which then causes anyone within a football field's distance who might happen to be breathing, severe, if not fatal, respiratory disorders.
No sooner did I read about the extent to which this toxin can survive, than I suddenly and without hesitation realized that the attack wasn't launched (at the direction of the JKW of course) at me, it was launched at my gardening gloves. For this is the only tool I really have ever used to pull the weeds from my yard and are made almost entirely of leather. As it happens, leather is one of only two typical clothing materials from which the resin can not be removed.
What a brilliant strategist my opponent is. Striking a blow at the very foundation of my ability to fight. Now this IS war and I have forgotten the most famous of doctrines from The Art Of War: 讓您的朋友密切 你的敵人更緊密 (keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer). All this time, I figured JKW insipid.
Since I am reasonably certain the JKW Concomitant is unable to surf the web, I shall disclose the details of my counter-attack here: under cover of darkness, I shall dispose of the affected battle gear and obtain less vulnerable armor. Yes. That is my clever plan. Another battle will be fought; the war will go on.
PS: To anyone who thinks there are bats in my belfry for personifying plant life in such a manner has obviously never seen The Happening.
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