The River Green

In about 80 hours or so, our house will be filled with guests for Thanksgiving. We are expecting 8 people and a 9th for dessert. Among the rituals that are normally fulfilled during these hours is the annual clean for company exercise. While our house is far from a pigsty, it has its little corners of boxes filled with items that have yet to find a home, the ubiquitous hair ball and of course we don't get to use the dining room table on any kind of regular basis, so that is covered in various miscellanea that probably should have a permanent home. The problem isn't one of space, though this house is severely lacking in closets, which adds to the frustration of trying to clean. When it becomes necessary to stuff Aldi bags into the corner by the dog crate because there is no other place for them to live, we yearn for just one simple closet.

The problem is Black Friday and the never-ending pursuit of stuff acquisition. If I had to move out of this house tomorrow and could only take that which I have used for the past year, I could probably make one trip on a bicycle with a sturdy satchel on the rear. But that's only if I had to. Everything else has a bit of memorial significance to it which prompts me to not deposit it at the nearest Goodwill for someone else to have and hold, look at and admire. Each of these things reminds me of one event in my life or another. Photographs would most certainly make the trip with me in the bicycle. Aside from my beloved computer and a coffee mug or two and my clothes, I don't really use anything else in this house. Dishes don't count because you pretty much need them to eat off of and I could purchase a new set for very cheap at the new apartment that I would be bicycling to.

Don't get us wrong. We have made so many trip to Goodwill this year and we went on a Craig's List selling spree in the early summer. We certainly are not against ridding ourselves of the unused, non-living occupants of our house. I guess the larger question becomes why we hold so many inanimate objects close to us as though they were a living person? And then why would we choose to let them gather dust in some random corner instead of revisiting them, or stuff them into a closet?

This is not a rhetorical question it is a practical one. I remember a movie where one of the main characters was asked to house sit for her boss. When she and her boyfriend arrived to feed the cat, there was nothing but a table for the cat food and a litter box. The rest of the apartment was empty. When prompted by an inquisitive look from the boyfriend, the woman said 'He's a minimalist.'

Why can't we all be comfortable with this. I mean, of course we would need a sofa and a coffee table and a few other essential items to accommodate comfort, but what is so horrid about living with only essential things? Is it our materialist nature? Is it our fractured, lonely social order? Could we attribute this to a certain fear that our lives are completely empty without such things to bring us comfort?

I don't have an answer, nor do I yet have either an opinion or a theory.

In any case, there are far worse things I suppose we should be concentrating our analytical skills on such as where we are going to put the shit on the table, where is that attachment to the vacuum that magically removes pet hair from any surface, where is our own Billy Mays (did you know he is from Pittsburgh?) and his amazing RoboClean, which is capable of cleaning your entire house with the simple push of one button, so easy a child can operate it (cut to a child pushing a button on a devise and watching in amazement and wonderment as if it were a home work doing machine)... and the like...

Oh there is so much stuff to do. At least we found all the requested diet drinks for our guests after no less than six, yes six, stores. Now if we can only locate a single bag of Gardetto's pumpernickel rye chips to complete the recipe for chex mix, we're all set.

Labels: black friday , holidays , house , Thanksgiving

On 4 November 2008, California voters were asked to vote 'yes' or 'no' on Proposition 8. On the ballot, voters saw the following:

PROP
8

ELIMINATES RIGHT OF SAME–SEX COUPLES TO MARRY. INITIATIVE CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT.

According to the California General Election Tuesday, November 4, 2008 Official Voter Information Guide, the following is known:

Text of Proposed Laws:

PROPOSITION 8

This initiative measure is submitted to the people in accordance with the
provisions of Article II, Section 8, of the California Constitution.
This initiative measure expressly amends the California Constitution by
adding a section thereto; therefore, new provisions proposed to be added are
printed in italic type to indicate that they are new.
SECTION 1- Title
This measure shall be known and may be cited as the “California Marriage
Protection Act.”

SECTION 2- Section 7.5 is added to Article I of the California Constitution,
to read:
SEC. 7.5. Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California.

Analysis by the Legislative Analyst:

BACKGROUND

In March 2000, California voters passed Proposition 22 to specify in state law that only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California. In May 2008, the California Supreme Court ruled that the statute enacted by Proposition 22 and other statutes that limit marriage to a relationship between a man and a woman violated the equal protection clause of the California Constitution. It also held that individuals of the same sex have the right to marry under the California Constitution. As a result of the ruling, marriage between individuals of the same sex is currently valid or recognized in the state.

PROPOSAL

This measure amends the California Constitution to specify that only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California. As a result, notwithstanding the California Supreme Court ruling of May 2008, marriage would be limited to individuals of the opposite sex, and individuals of the same sex would not have the right to marry in California.

FISCAL EFFECTS

Because marriage between individuals of the same sex is currently valid in California, there would likely be an increase in spending on weddings by same-sex couples in California over the next few years. This would result in increased revenue, primarily sales tax revenue, to state and local governments.

By specifying that marriage between individuals of the same sex is not valid or recognized, this measure could result in revenue loss, mainly from sales taxes, to state and local governments. Over the next few years, this loss could potentially total in the several tens of millions of dollars. Over the long run, this measure would likely have little fiscal impact on state and local governments.

Results:

Proposition 8 - Eliminates Right of Same-Sex Couples to Marry

YES: 5,782,670; 52.2%
NO: 5,301,540; 47.8%

Aside from the argument on the question of love, there is an inherent question of legality that remains. That a commitment between two people can not legally be certified as a marriage brings into closer examination a whole host of legal questions.

Not the least of which is property. If I am in a homosexual relationship and I suddenly die without a will, to whom does my property go? Were my relationship unknown to family, they would have precedent legal right to claim my property in court. Were my partner to object, he/she would not have a legal leg to stand on.

Another question is that of medical catastrophe. Suppose I survived my brush with death and am laying in a hospital. My partner would not be able to see me if the hospital restricts visitation to family only.

Another question is in regards to insurance. Not very many companies (and probably fewer these days) would accept a non-married partner to be covered under the employee's health-care.

Yet another question is that of a split. Suppose a homosexual couple had been together for twelve years, bought a house, a car, had a yard, mowed the grass, raked the leaves, paid property tax and then decided, as do 50% of 'straight' couples in a relationship for twelve years, to call it quits. Who gets the house? Who gets the car? Who gets the money? Who gets the ugly ottoman in the downstairs living room? Who decides this, and on what legal basis?

Sure there is room to answer these legal questions in the form of 'Civil Unions'. Civil unions. What does that mean? What do relationships certified with a marriage have that those certified with a 'Civil Union' not have?

That there are 'marriages' for one segment of the population and 'civil unions' for other segments of the population sounds, regrettably, like SEPARATE BUT EQUAL.

Have we learned nothing from the last half of the last century about discrimination?

For the sake of all that is reasonable, we have just elected as the 44th President a person of color. This is the Dream of which Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. spoke of and made his entire life's work- that his followers died for, that people were beaten for. We have, in fact, not come this far without getting scarred up a bit. What would he say about the passage of Prop 8? What would he say about the denial of rights to a segment of the population?

Separate is inherently unequal. Are we prepared, as a country, to go down this road again? Should we get the fire hoses out? Should we ready another bridge, perhaps the Golden Gate, for a blood bath? Are there still people in this country so threatened with their own insecurities that they are ready to drag us down the road ALREADY traveled? And to what end? How many homosexuals must die in order that we as a people must recognize that the founding fathers meant it when the word equal was written into the constitution?

This issue is about love, but peripherally. It is mainly about rights. It is about Civil Rights.

We as a people on a whole, are in fact better off because of what the Civil Rights Act afforded to people of color because it was a re-affirmation of everyone's rights.

That there is language anywhere that denies to anyone based on anything basic civil rights is an endangerment to all of our civil rights. It is dangerous and a road that none of us can afford to travel down again. We've already learned this lesson, quite painfully.

Labels: 2008 presidential election , civil rights , politics

The Electoral College comprises 538 votes cast on 15 December 2008 to determine the President of The United States. Each state holds a number of electoral votes equivalent to the number of members in that state's congressional delegation. Washington, DC holds the number of delegates not exceeding that of the least populous state.

This map represents a cartograph of the 2008 Electoral College; each block represents one vote in the college.

Labels: 2008 presidential election , Obama , politics

OBAMA: Hello, Chicago.

(APPLAUSE)

If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible, who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time, who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer.

(APPLAUSE)

It's the answer told by lines that stretched around schools and churches in numbers this nation has never seen, by people who waited three hours and four hours, many for the first time in their lives, because they believed that this time must be different, that their voices could be that difference.

It's the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled. Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been just a collection of individuals or a collection of red states and blue states.

We are, and always will be, the United States of America.

(APPLAUSE)

It's the answer that led those who've been told for so long by so many to be cynical and fearful and doubtful about what we can achieve to put their hands on the arc of history and bend it once more toward the hope of a better day.

It's been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this date in this election at this defining moment change has come to America.

(APPLAUSE)

A little bit earlier this evening, I received an extraordinarily gracious call from Senator McCain.

(APPLAUSE)

Senator McCain fought long and hard in this campaign. And he's fought even longer and harder for the country that he loves. He has endured sacrifices for America that most of us cannot begin to imagine. We are better off for the service rendered by this brave and selfless leader.

I congratulate him; I congratulate Governor Palin for all that they've achieved. And I look forward to working with them to renew this nation's promise in the months ahead.

(APPLAUSE)

I want to thank my partner in this journey, a man who campaigned from his heart, and spoke for the men and women he grew up with on the streets of Scranton...

(APPLAUSE)

... and rode with on the train home to Delaware, the vice president-elect of the United States, Joe Biden.

(APPLAUSE)

And I would not be standing here tonight without the unyielding support of my best friend for the last 16 years...

(APPLAUSE)

... the rock of our family, the love of my life, the nation's next first lady...

(APPLAUSE)

... Michelle Obama.

(APPLAUSE)

Sasha and Malia...

(APPLAUSE)

... I love you both more than you can imagine. And you have earned the new puppy that's coming with us...

(LAUGHTER)

... to the new White House.

(APPLAUSE)

And while she's no longer with us, I know my grandmother's watching, along with the family that made me who I am. I miss them tonight. I know that my debt to them is beyond measure.

To my sister Maya, my sister Alma, all my other brothers and sisters, thank you so much for all the support that you've given me. I am grateful to them.

(APPLAUSE)

OBAMA: And to my campaign manager, David Plouffe...

(APPLAUSE)

... the unsung hero of this campaign, who built the best -- the best political campaign, I think, in the history of the United States of America.

(APPLAUSE)

To my chief strategist David Axelrod...

(APPLAUSE)

... who's been a partner with me every step of the way.

To the best campaign team ever assembled in the history of politics...

(APPLAUSE)

... you made this happen, and I am forever grateful for what you've sacrificed to get it done.

But above all, I will never forget who this victory truly belongs to. It belongs to you. It belongs to you.

I was never the likeliest candidate for this office. We didn't start with much money or many endorsements. Our campaign was not hatched in the halls of Washington. It began in the backyards of Des Moines and the living rooms of Concord and the front porches of Charleston. It was built by working men and women who dug into what little savings they had to give $5 and $10 and $20 to the cause.

It grew strength from the young people who rejected the myth of their generation's apathy...

(APPLAUSE)

... who left their homes and their families for jobs that offered little pay and less sleep.

It drew strength from the not-so-young people who braved the bitter cold and scorching heat to knock on doors of perfect strangers, and from the millions of Americans who volunteered and organized and proved that more than two centuries later a government of the people, by the people, and for the people has not perished from the Earth.

This is your victory.

(APPLAUSE)

And I know you didn't do this just to win an election. And I know you didn't do it for me.

You did it because you understand the enormity of the task that lies ahead. For even as we celebrate tonight, we know the challenges that tomorrow will bring are the greatest of our lifetime -- two wars, a planet in peril, the worst financial crisis in a century.

Even as we stand here tonight, we know there are brave Americans waking up in the deserts of Iraq and the mountains of Afghanistan to risk their lives for us.

There are mothers and fathers who will lie awake after the children fall asleep and wonder how they'll make the mortgage or pay their doctors' bills or save enough for their child's college education.

There's new energy to harness, new jobs to be created, new schools to build, and threats to meet, alliances to repair.

The road ahead will be long. Our climb will be steep. We may not get there in one year or even in one term. But, America, I have never been more hopeful than I am tonight that we will get there.

I promise you, we as a people will get there.

(APPLAUSE)

AUDIENCE: Yes we can! Yes we can! Yes we can!

OBAMA: There will be setbacks and false starts. There are many who won't agree with every decision or policy I make as president. And we know the government can't solve every problem.

But I will always be honest with you about the challenges we face. I will listen to you, especially when we disagree. And, above all, I will ask you to join in the work of remaking this nation, the only way it's been done in America for 221 years -- block by block, brick by brick, calloused hand by calloused hand.

What began 21 months ago in the depths of winter cannot end on this autumn night.

This victory alone is not the change we seek. It is only the chance for us to make that change. And that cannot happen if we go back to the way things were.

It can't happen without you, without a new spirit of service, a new spirit of sacrifice.

So let us summon a new spirit of patriotism, of responsibility, where each of us resolves to pitch in and work harder and look after not only ourselves but each other.

Let us remember that, if this financial crisis taught us anything, it's that we cannot have a thriving Wall Street while Main Street suffers.

In this country, we rise or fall as one nation, as one people. Let's resist the temptation to fall back on the same partisanship and pettiness and immaturity that has poisoned our politics for so long.

Let's remember that it was a man from this state who first carried the banner of the Republican Party to the White House, a party founded on the values of self-reliance and individual liberty and national unity.

Those are values that we all share. And while the Democratic Party has won a great victory tonight, we do so with a measure of humility and determination to heal the divides that have held back our progress.

(APPLAUSE)

As Lincoln said to a nation far more divided than ours, we are not enemies but friends. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection.

And to those Americans whose support I have yet to earn, I may not have won your vote tonight, but I hear your voices. I need your help. And I will be your president, too.

(APPLAUSE)

And to all those watching tonight from beyond our shores, from parliaments and palaces, to those who are huddled around radios in the forgotten corners of the world, our stories are singular, but our destiny is shared, and a new dawn of American leadership is at hand.

(APPLAUSE)

To those -- to those who would tear the world down: We will defeat you. To those who seek peace and security: We support you. And to all those who have wondered if America's beacon still burns as bright: Tonight we proved once more that the true strength of our nation comes not from the might of our arms or the scale of our wealth, but from the enduring power of our ideals: democracy, liberty, opportunity and unyielding hope.

(APPLAUSE)

That's the true genius of America: that America can change. Our union can be perfected. What we've already achieved gives us hope for what we can and must achieve tomorrow.

This election had many firsts and many stories that will be told for generations. But one that's on my mind tonight's about a woman who cast her ballot in Atlanta. She's a lot like the millions of others who stood in line to make their voice heard in this election except for one thing: Ann Nixon Cooper is 106 years old.

(APPLAUSE)

OBAMA: She was born just a generation past slavery; a time when there were no cars on the road or planes in the sky; when someone like her couldn't vote for two reasons -- because she was a woman and because of the color of her skin. And tonight, I think about all that she's seen throughout her century in America -- the heartache and the hope; the struggle and the progress; the times we were told that we can't, and the people who pressed on with that American creed: Yes we can. At a time when women's voices were silenced and their hopes dismissed, she lived to see them stand up and speak out and reach for the ballot. Yes we can. When there was despair in the dust bowl and depression across the land, she saw a nation conquer fear itself with a New Deal, new jobs, a new sense of common purpose. Yes we can.

AUDIENCE: Yes we can.

OBAMA: When the bombs fell on our harbor and tyranny threatened the world, she was there to witness a generation rise to greatness and a democracy was saved. Yes we can.

AUDIENCE: Yes we can.

OBAMA: She was there for the buses in Montgomery, the hoses in Birmingham, a bridge in Selma, and a preacher from Atlanta who told a people that "We Shall Overcome." Yes we can.

AUDIENCE: Yes we can.

OBAMA: A man touched down on the moon, a wall came down in Berlin, a world was connected by our own science and imagination.

And this year, in this election, she touched her finger to a screen, and cast her vote, because after 106 years in America, through the best of times and the darkest of hours, she knows how America can change.

Yes we can.

AUDIENCE: Yes we can.

OBAMA: America, we have come so far. We have seen so much. But there is so much more to do. So tonight, let us ask ourselves -- if our children should live to see the next century; if my daughters should be so lucky to live as long as Ann Nixon Cooper, what change will they see? What progress will we have made?

This is our chance to answer that call. This is our moment.

This is our time, to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth, that, out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope. And where we are met with cynicism and doubts and those who tell us that we can't, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people: Yes, we can.

(APPLAUSE)

Thank you. God bless you. And may God bless the United States of America.

(APPLAUSE)

END

Labels: 2008 presidential election , Obama , politics

On 5 November 2008, we Americans will wake up in a different country than we woke up in the day before. The politics of racial grievance died in the results of this presidential election. A new philosophical debate can now replace that which has taken place on the subjects of race, bigotry, discrimination, hatred; shifting from statement of problem to enacting a solution.

This historical moment is not merely about race. It is about hope. And we so need hope. It is about history. Having only the knowledge of the election results for the 44th President affords anyone the claim of 'witness to history'. It is about change. And we so need change. It is about a whole entire country moving in another direction. And we so need another direction. It is about leaving behind a hopelessly depressing, constitutionally illegal (at times), grammatically incorrect country of the last eight years and moving forward.

America has come so far in such a short time. Where will we go next?

Labels: 2008 presidential election , Obama , politics

Election day projections based on FiveThirtyEight.com's polling results:

Labels: 2008 presidential election , politics

Labels: 2008 presidential election , politics

We are simple people here in Pittsburgh, PA. If you've ever been here, you know that we are a drinking town with a football problem. New York we are not. Neither are we 'The Pitts'. I love this city, for all of its problems and 'growing pains' prove that we are a resilient people rising to various challenges and thriving from them.

I'm not the only resident who was completely shocked to hear about this alleged attack; while McCain's politics are not those of the vast majority of us, we tend to be respectful of others' opinions, views, lifestyles, etc. It seemed misplaced, improbable in my city- as it turned out to be.

Congressman Murtha recently accused the area of being racist to a certain degree. This is a label that is not entirely mis-attributed but has become less relevant in recent years. Due in part, not surprisingly, to the appointment as head coach of our beloved Steelers, Mike Tomlin, one of only ten African-Americans to hold such a post in NFL history (thank you Dan Rooney!).

The point is this...

Such a claim that a big, bad, black man robbed then sexually assaulted a defenseless white woman in the name of a black presidential candidate plays not into the secret fears of closet racists or perpetrators of the Bradley Effect, but of anxious liberals wondering if their vote is or is not going to become one of the eventual 10 million ultimately not counted at the hands of Republicans who will do anything to keep all but every vote from being counted in our 'battleground' state. Call me a conspiracy nut if you must, but it is clear that someone at McCain's Pittsburgh camp did not explicitly discourage this woman to self-mutilate herself so that every one of our supposed deepest, darkest racist fears would play out at the polls in the form of a Bradley Effect, thus delivering Pennsylvania's 23 Electoral Votes squarely in the column for McCain. Far from being a conspiracy nut, I'm a realist having read 'Block the Vote' and seen first hand, in November and December of 2000, the shameless, deepest, darkest depths of morality into which the Republican party will delve in order to circumvent the election process to grow, keep or obtain power.

The point is also this...

In a state whose record is firmly Democratic in all but three of the last eleven Presidential elections (a fact I remind myself of, then smile inwardly at the pundits who still claim that Pennsylvania is 'up for grabs'), in a city whose proudly Democratic roots go back to 1930, you would indeed have to be crazy to support McCain.

Labels: Pittsburgh , politics

Until now, I've steered clear of politics- I can no longer do it.



Basically, everything in this video is everything I've said in the last 8 weeks. Palin has no idea. By that I mean that she is clueless. Guilt of abuse of power and ethics violations is not a good way to run for vice president. She is a danger to this country and can not be allowed to sit as vice president if elected.

The concern should lie with her husband the 'First Dude' of Alaska.

They had their house build for free by the same contractor 'buddies' of his that then got a state contract to build a sports arena for Wasilla. This is not good. What kind of second husband would this guy be- or first husband?!

It is scary.

One of the reasons that I've left politics out of this is because there is so much to cover and talk about that it all jams up on its way out of my head. Perhaps I'll be in better form to talk about this later. Maybe November 5?

Labels: politics

Are you happy with your life at the moment?
Sure, why not... gotta keep positive!

What would your last name be if you married the last person you hugged?
Johnson. So I would be Dick Johnson Oxymoron.

What is something you disliked about your day?
Having to figure out the floor plan of my bathroom.

What's the last thing you drank?
Dr. Pepper.

What are you listening to?
The Killers.

Did you go outside for more than 30 minutes today?
Yes.

How's your hair looking?
What hair?

Anyone you would like to get things straight with?
Uh yes.

Are you worri​ed about​ anyth​ing right​ now?
Uh yes.

Gotta hickey?
No.

Last thing that touched your lips?
Dr. Pepper bottle.

Last time you laughed?
When I recorded a video of Manfred going Frankenkitty on Autumn.

What are you doing tomorrow?
The bathroom floor.

Are you okay with abortion?
It's not an opinion that I'm allowed to have, since I am without a uterus.

Happier on your own or with someone?
Little of both.

Where'd you get the shirt you are now wearing?
Gabe's.

Waiting on anything?
The Benadryl to kick in.

What shoes did you wear today?
My Mr. Rodger's shoes.

Did you have sex today?
Uh no.

Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night?
Yes. Multiple times. Just like every night.

Anything you need to do?
The dishes.

Last time you talked to your number one?
Just before she went to bed.

Relationship or hook-up?
Relationship.

Did you brush your teeth today?
Yes.

Anything hurting you now?
My knees. It's damp.

Wearing a necklace?
No.

Do you like orange juice with or without pulp?
With pulp.

Has anyone of the opposite sex hurt you emotionally or physically?
In the far distant past. Who can answer no to this question?

Ever had a busted lip?
Yes, but the other guy lost a tooth.

Have you ever cried cause you were mad?
No.


How do you feel about change?
Why? What's changing!! OMG!!!

Last time you went to the ER?
September 2007.

If you were in the hospital would your number one come see you?
Yes and she would bring my mother and fill out the paperwork. Just like last time!

Anything bothering you right now?
Well, I could stand to not have the dishes hanging over my head.

Would it hurt to see the one you like/love making out with someone else?
I've actually seen that, though the memory of that event is fuzzy and drunk... but it is one of the few things I have ever remembered while drunk...

Labels: survey

If I were an M&M, my color would be blue and I probably would not have an 'm' stamp. That self-observation has nothing whatever to do with what follows...

Despite the connotations and general knowledge, 'lucky bamboo' is not in fact bamboo. It is a type of corn plant native to Cameroon. It is as Chinese as fortune cookies. Nonetheless, the Chinese populations in western countries have adopted this hearty plant and applied certain aspects of their own culture in the way of feng shui in keeping them in the house.

2 together is for Luck, 3 for Happiness, 4 for Wealth, 5 for Health, 6 for Love & Marriage and 8 for Long Life.

Taking my application for a sort of dream job at Pitt into account, I'm incredibly nervous because the two I had bunched together withered, became yellow and died within the period of time between my application and interview. I salvaged the sprouts and these will probably be a very healthy plant in about 5 months. Does this mean that I have no hope for any luck until then?

While generally speaking, I do not subscribe to such superstition, I have found a certain truth in how these plants affect feng shui.

In a desperate attempt to alleviate the stress of waiting to hear of the fate of my less than stellar interview, I have hastily dumped two of the sprouts into the same container and wrapped them with a rubber band.

While this may seem foolhardy, useless and inconsequential, I find that having these plants arranged thusly improves the general well being of my house.

Just in case, please keep your fingers crossed that I hear back positively about this job.

Labels: bamboo , karma , superstitions

To anyone who has had this affliction: my sympathy is with you.

Primarily located on my left arm, with patches on my legs and knees, it is easily one of the most maddening medical maladies I have yet suffered.

It is a battle scar in the war against Japanese Knot Weed. The battle did not go my way and now I am so painfully and uncomfortably aware that the treacherous Poison Ivy is now in league with the equally treacherous JKW.

Having a seemingly healthy epidermis for nearly 10 days after a particularly exhaustive day of yard work gave rise to an ever growing paranoia that something far more sinister was at hand as evidenced by my first reaction (as always the most extreme, unlikely): 'My god! I have the flesh-eating virus!'.

Upon completing the first two paragraphs of my last will and testament, I realized, quite starkly, that nobody I knew could possibly want, need or theoretically possess as new owner, my extensive collection of Chinese literature. To hell with the will... I WANTED TO LIVE DAMMIT. Nearing the end of the internet, and with hope fading fast that my problem was something other than what was originally thought, I at last happened upon an article in my least favorite places to gain knowledge: Wikipedia. There, I read that urushiol-induced contact dermatitis might actually be the true cause of my suffering.

Only slightly relieved, I learned from other sources that the incessant itching would last nearly three weeks. Though not contagious, poison ivy deposits its noxious resin on everything and lasts for literally years. When burned, the primary toxin is released into the air, which then causes anyone within a football field's distance who might happen to be breathing, severe, if not fatal, respiratory disorders.

No sooner did I read about the extent to which this toxin can survive, than I suddenly and without hesitation realized that the attack wasn't launched (at the direction of the JKW of course) at me, it was launched at my gardening gloves. For this is the only tool I really have ever used to pull the weeds from my yard and are made almost entirely of leather. As it happens, leather is one of only two typical clothing materials from which the resin can not be removed.

What a brilliant strategist my opponent is. Striking a blow at the very foundation of my ability to fight. Now this IS war and I have forgotten the most famous of doctrines from The Art Of War: 讓您的朋友密切 你的敵人更緊密 (keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer). All this time, I figured JKW insipid.

Since I am reasonably certain the JKW Concomitant is unable to surf the web, I shall disclose the details of my counter-attack here: under cover of darkness, I shall dispose of the affected battle gear and obtain less vulnerable armor. Yes. That is my clever plan. Another battle will be fought; the war will go on.

PS: To anyone who thinks there are bats in my belfry for personifying plant life in such a manner has obviously never seen The Happening.

Labels: afflictions , knotweed , yard

I hereby declare war on Fallopia japonica, also known as fleeceflower, monkeyweed, Huzhang (Chinese: 虎杖; pinyin: Hu3 zhang4), Hancock's curse, elephant ears, pea shooters, donkey rhubarb, sally rhubarb, Japanese bamboo, American bamboo, and Mexican bamboo. It is neither bamboo nor rhubarb and is commonly known as Japanese knotweed, locally as Richard's Bane. This evil plant is listed by the World Conservation Union as one of the world's 100 worst invasive species. In the UK it is illegal to spread Japanese knotweed by the Wildlife and Countryside Act 1981. In the US it is listed as an invasive weed in Ohio, Vermont, Virginia, New York, Alaska, and Washington.



As it rises to between 6 and 8 feet in height, this plant will effectively render between 4 and 5 feet of the water table dry within an area of 2 feet in all directions from the rhizome, thereby killing anything growing in the vicinity. The broad leaves canopy the area of growth, starving surrounding plants of sunlight and act as water collectors that channel rain water down the main stalk.

Japanese knotweed will continue to grow unless herbicide is used in late summer/early autumn, during its flowering stage.

The extent to which this plant damages any given ecosystem is unimaginable.

Anyone with a yard or any type of area around their homes should join my fatwa against this herbaceous enemy. You are either with me or against me.

Labels: knotweed , yard

Pittsburgh has been my home for most of my life. I am a city boy. However, the occasional trip to the countryside is a welcome respite to the monotonous, concrete surroundings I am used to. We recently had a trip to Waynesboro, PA. This is about my eighth visit to the area with Marieke.

Each time we make the trip, I'm always surprised by the beauty of the area. While the Appalachian Mountains run right through here, Waynesboro is situated between the Appalachian Plateau and the Blue Ridge Mountains in what is known as the Valley and Ridge. This location lends itself to a landscape that is slightly hilly, ringed by distant peaks and topped with an almost perfect 360 degree view of the sky. Beautiful scarcely defines the scene.

I do not grow tired of seeing fields and fields of corn, soybeans, alfalfa, orchards and rows and rows of hay bales. While Pittsburgh has a fairly diverse and active ecosystem of its own including groves of deciduous trees located in sprawling parks (it is one of the greenest cities in terms of tree population), nothing we have here compares to seeing farms upon farms- of which there is no shortage in Waynesboro.

We must have driven by at least a hundred corn fields and several dozen soybean fields. 100% of America's soybean production comes from fields located in Pennsylvania. So if you plan on eating tofu in the next 6 months, chances are good that we passed the field where the main ingredient was growing.

The near 4 hour drive is worth taking just for the peaches and corn alone- to say nothing of the water, air and roller coaster-like country roads. While driving from Chambersburg to the Blue Mountain entrance on the PA Turnpike, you will inevitably encounter what must be the oldest post office in Pennsylvania, numerous orange triangled horse and buggies, vegetable stands by the handful and the occasional Mennonite boy on a scooter.

Perplexingly, several familiar orchards and corn fields have been vacated in favor of housing developments. Marieke and I are of the same mind on this evolution: we're all for progress, but how many people could possibly want to live in Waynesboro?

The land occupied by her childhood house and the surrounding property, previously devoid of 'next-door neighbors', has been carved up and the apple orchards across the street are no more. Where there was a natural pond at the foot of the yard of a far off house is now a cul-de-sac surrounded by ten or twelve houses, eight or nine of which are for sale.

Musselman's applesauce created their ware from apple orchards that previously extended from one end of the intersecting road adjacent to Marieke's house up the mountain as far as the eye could see. Now there are pre-fab houses.

According to Grandma Margie, the cornfields behind her abode, the first in my life I ever walked through, are being torn up to make room for 97 houses. 97 houses in the middle of nowhere. Who is going to buy them? I've been putting off getting a conversion kit for our car that would enable us to use ethanol because of the possible contribution to 'agflation'. Now I have a better picture of why corn is apparently so hard to come by.

Someone had to say yes to this and I curse them for taking away something precious and inestimable only to replace it with urban sprawl. It is disgusting.

Labels: trips , Waynesboro

Home.

Pronunciation:
\ˈhōm\
1a: one's place of residence
4a: a place of origin

Both definitions define my relationship with Pittsburgh. Only 1a defines Marieke's; Waynesboro, PA is her 4a. It was in this area that we spent 4 days in and around.

Just about, oh, maybe half hour after we had received paperwork from the kind Chambersburg POleece, and we all had calmed down enough to go back to our chambers and retire for the second time that evening, the door bell rings.

We shared a similar thought about who could be darkening the doorstep (though it was well after 1 in the morning, the streetlights are very bright) of this domicile: it was the police coming to give us more information, a forgotten piece of paperwork or something of that nature. We were as wrong as guessing the Pope had been passing through town and needed to take a whiz.

Katy opened the door with an expression of first confusion then more confusion. It was a woman with blond hair and ratted t-shirt explaining that she was almost out of gas on her way to Carlisle from Maryland, her daughter has not eaten all day and her father just passed away and could we spare a few dollars so she could get some gas. And she wanted to know what town we were in.

Random

Pronunciation:
\'ran-dəm\
2a: relating to, having, or being elements or events with definite probability of occurrence

Of all the improbable things to have happen that night, why couldn't it have been winning the lottery or stumbling upon a forgotten gold stash from the civil war. All of these most likely have a much lower probability of occurring than the events of this evening.

Katy looked at Brian and asked if there was any more gas in the can from the lawnmower. As he went in search, our improbable visitor made several passive attempts to enter the house. It was quiet for what seemed like hours before Brian came back with the gas can. I thought it prudent to accompany my host in case something about the woman's story was not quite cogent.

Upon approaching the car (which was running even though it was almost out of gas), I noticed what appeared to be an unmoving figure in the passenger seat which I immediately determined was a dead body, made an on-the-spot diagnosis of antisocial personality disorder and we were next. Luckily the figure moved and at 10 paces I recanted my admittedly hasty diagnosis; the figure turned out to be a 10-12 year old girl, presumably the untoward woman's daughter.

Since the gas cap didn't have an outward devise for release, the woman retreated into her car and proceeded to open the boot. Brian and I exchanged glances just as she returned, noticed the wrong lever had been pulled and remedied the situation. After giving the woman one and a half gallons of gasoline, Brian went to retrieve a 'couple bucks' from the house, which was about half block away. I used the opportunity alone with the woman to gather more information.

When asked where in Maryland she was coming from, her face immediately scrunched as she offered 'That town with the big mall... I don't know the name of it.'

OK.

Either she was advancing some sort of scheme or she was indeed a hapless, desperate person in need of help. Either way, she certainly was adept at avoiding further questions because she began to ask her own questions and get quite agitated about how much gas she had and if it was enough to get to Carlisle.

At this point, it might be helpful to provide a geographic overview of our location. Carlisle is 30 miles from Chambersburg. I-81, which is the highway she claims to have come from, is about 2 miles from where we were. In order to get from I-81 to Brian and Katy's house, one would have to make a sequence of very specific turns and up-down-and-arounds... in other words, it is not a direct route. We later decided she must have had a police scanner in her car and figured that since there had just been an accident in front of the house that we would still be awake (the incident report listed Brian and Katy's address).

Brian gave the woman a couple bucks and directions to the Sheetz before we started back to the house. Marieke and Katy spent the few moments near the front porch and as we approached them, heard the car cough and choke not once, not twice, but three times. There was a moment when I thought for certain that it wasn't going to start, but on the fourth try, the car aversely turned over.

The four of us safely inside, and in unison with looks of bewilderment, said 'What was that?!'

Before settling in, Brian stood on the porch to make certain the car would follow the direction to turn right at the end of the road and that she would make no further stops along the way.

I made the decision that the only logical way that these unapt situations could have possibly presented themselves is if I were in fact asleep and would have to repeat the day over again when I woke up. Therefore, I reasoned, I could do anything without consequences. So, a second helping of leftover potato salad was in order.

Concurrently, Brian made his own decision that no matter what was happening, he was not going to answer the door anymore for the evening.

We postponed our slumber for long enough and finally retired to our chambers for our long overdue rest.

Labels: random events , trips , Waynesboro

Home.

Pronunciation:
ˈhōm\'
1a: one's place of residence
4a: a place of origin

Both definitions define my relationship with Pittsburgh. Only 1a defines Marieke's; Waynesboro, PA is her 4a. It was in this area that we spent 4 days in and around.

To recap from Going to South Central...: Marieke and I had been invited by Katy, Brian's wife, to partake in a surprise 30th b.day party at their house in Chambersburg, PA, where we would spend two of the three nights during our visit.

Since our presence in the area was to be kept secret, our destinations before the party had to be chosen carefully. Our first stop was Marieke's bff Stacey, her husband John-Ryan (it is common in the region for names to have such hyphenated nomenclature) and daughter Morgan's house. When last we saw this house, it had just been moved into and lacked a back deck. With the help of his wife, John-handyman-Ryan built one... complete with fire pit, skylights and separate but equal 'grilling wing'. Of all the porches we have heretofore sat, this was the nicest by far.

Our first night passed at the home of Brian's mother, Cindy, on a sofa bed accompanied by a black cat, Magic, whose temperament is questionable, fur manged, idea of morning skewed. Not bad for 23 (that's 161 in people years!).

Brian was ultimately surprised to see us there, among the 8 others attending the shindig. Needless to say, Katy's plotting and scheming was successful. There, of course, was a moment when Brian had to reconcile all of the truths, half-truths and just plain lies he had been told in the weeks leading up to that day, but it all washed out in the end.

Brian and Katy have a beautiful daughter, Sadie Lorelei, whose love of running around the yard is matched by her ability to get into just about everything; doubtless such activities wear her parents to nubs on a daily basis. Our eventually exacerbating visit was made so much more pleasant by this little girl with her big, blue eyes and generally cheerful disposition. If only she knew how much easier she made the whole trip for us both!

In order to fully appreciate the events that next transpired, know that 2 of our most recent 4 trips 'home' resulted in what we like to term 'car drama'. We were left stranded for nearly 9 days when Marieke's Geo Storm died and were forced by circumstance to purchase our spunky '86 Chevy Nova, only to watch as a mentally challenged deer meet an untimely death on the pavement of I-76 after having rolled on our hood, which was crushed, on our very last visit almost 4 years ago.

In Brian and Katy's guest bedroom reside various memorabilia of the Nittany Lions most of which have origins dating back to Brian's childhood bedroom. Having put aside the ingrained dislike of Penn State for the duration of the trip, I was essentially at peace with the situation. But for a brief scuffle with a window fan, the night seemed to be winding down in comfort. And then... it happened.

Only the Big Butler County Fair's school bus demolition derby rival the sounds of screeching tires and metal-on-metal friction Marieke and I heard as we lay in bed just short of falling asleep. Our first collective thought, then immediate verbalization was 'Oh my god- the car'. Knowing that our attempts to rubberneck through the side window would be pointless, we bounded for the livingroom for a visual confirmation. Sure enough what I first thought was a motorcycle turned out to be a red Chrysler Breeze- the missing headlight having been lodged underneath Katy's Tahoe. While Marieke kept an eye on the situation, I dashed down the hallway to let our hosts in on the bad news.



In but one swift step, Katy was out of bed and down the hall. The broader scene on the other side of the front door was of an additional car operated by a female, now outside her car and in bedroom slippers, shouting "Call the PO-leece! call the PO-leece! I know who hit your car!"

Marieke then reported that the man driving the red Breeze had left his car and was now proceeding on foot back down the alley (Shasta Alley, as we came to find out later) which he was driving from just before hitting the Tahoe. According to Marieke, "...he just left his car like he came home from the mall and was going to his house, but not slow, with a bit of a hustle, like he had to pee..."

The shouting woman then got back in her car with the intention to 'hunt him down'. A preliminary investigation revealed that the bonnet of the red car had gone under Katy's rear quarter panel and bumper and looked to be quite stuck.

With a sigh of relief, I found no damage to our own car, but directly across the street were two Acuras, one of which had its front bumper under the back bumper of the other Acura and was missing several layers of paint but had a multi-tiered dent running from bumper to bumper. The mirror was hanging, rather comically, from a single wire.

Katy had run over to alert her cross street neighbors of the incident, when a police cruiser pulled onto the street and parked nearby just as the shouting woman returned in her late 80s Cadillac. She immediately began yelling at the officer that both cars were hers and had been chasing the other one down all night long.

At this point, Katy had her camera out and was taking pictures of the Tahoe when I suggested that she take pictures of her neighbors' cars as well. She proceeded to do so while Brian, Marieke and I began lamenting on the events of the late evening. Marieke never ceased in randomly calling out 'surprise!' in Brian's direction after each stage of the incident unfolded.

I'll spare the myriad profanities that echoed through the quiet town that evening from all parties. All told, there were four POleece cruisers and one K-9 SUV on the street.

In the end, the shouting woman, along with her bedroom slippers, were taken away in one of the units after having presumably failed a breathalyser test and Katy and Brian found new acquaintances in the house-flipping neighbors across the street. After essential paperwork was exchanged, all parties retreated into their residences and we proceeded to evaluate the situation with the help of the delicious leftover potato salad from the earlier party.

Just about, oh, maybe half hour later, when we all had calmed down enough to go back to our chambers and retire for the second time that evening, the door bell rings.

Please see 'There's No Place Like Home, Part II' for the continuing saga.

Labels: random events , trips , Waynesboro

PA! Marieke and I are going to visit her home of Waynesboro (which must be pronounced Wayyyns'-bur-rah). The entire visit is a surprise for Marieke's friend, Brian, arranged by Brian's wife, Katy. It is for his 30th, which was earlier this week.

At first mention of a nearly week-long visit to the crotch of the state, my initial reaction was wide-eyed terror. You see, Wayynsburrah has no Starbucks, no Dunkin' Donuts- in short- no good coffee for miles. Our last visit was cursed with green-colored Sanka swill to greet us in the morning and a visit from Bambi's mom on the hood of our car for the trip back to Pittsburgh (and would you believe that we still had to pay the toll?!?). I've become quite the caffeine addict, so doing without the first morning cup while checking my email is nothing less than a legitimate reason for sheer panic. Though Katy assured us that there is now a Starbucks in Chambersburg, where we will be staying, and they have a computer, the mere thought of being so far away from civilization is still unsettling.

Our governor, during the early 2008 primary season, described this area as 'Alabama'. I can understand the statement as there are no WiFi zones anywhere in Adams county. To make matters worse for this city boy, the dead silence and blinding darkness make for difficulty sleeping. I'm still not entirely certain why people have to 'dig their own wells' and why that means we can't leave the water running while brushing our teeth- under any circumstances. Upon hearing there is a new WalMart, my first thought was that everyone in town must work there. Not only is this an enthusiastically 'red' part of the state, but it seems to be the last refuge of the mullet. The epitome of my apprehensions about our destination is that literally everyone is a Penn State fan. Ugh. As we all know, Penn State sucks, Penn State sucks, P-E-N-N-S-T sucks forever and all time.

Not everything is bad. In fact, I can think of several aspects that are highly contrasting to the urban jungle of Pittsburgh:

• while smelly at first, the air is cleaner
• the water silky, smooth, tasty
• people there are nicer, if one can look past a slight racist undertone
• the corn clearly comes from heaven
• a picturesque landscape surrounds the entire area
• the peaches alone are worth their weight in platinum
  

Most importantly, Marieke's friends and the only family she has in the US live there. So it's a pretty significant place.

When Marieke first took me there almost 10 years ago (not my first visit to a rural area, but the first up-close-and-personal experience in such environs), I insisted that we stop along the road so I might take a picture of a cow that was grazing at the edge of the pasture. She really let me see the area through her eyes and it was the best trip I had been on in my entire life (until she took me to Holland). After touring the battlefields of Gettysburg, which appealed to my nerdness, we dined at the Dobbin House and then went for a horse drawn carriage ride past a tavern serving civil war reenactment characters. Grandma Margie's mashed potatoes, meatloaf and lima beans dinner represented for me a slice of Americana that I could never have experienced in the city. The place certainly left an impression.

Perhaps I'm secretly looking forward to the trip. It is, after all, the only time I can get Marieke to play Botticelli.

Labels: coffee , trips , Waynesboro

About 2 years ago, I was firmly committed to moving from Pittsburgh to another city (possible destinations included Boston, San Diego and Dayton). I can't remember the reason for my sudden disdain for the place I've called home for most of my life. For maybe the 5th time, Marieke and I took a visiting friend to see the Pink Floyd laser show at the Science Center. Corny as this may sound, the notion of moving away evaporated when the last piece 'Time' played. When the lyric 'Home, home again' came round, the visual was of the city. It was at that moment that I knew I would always be here in one form or another.

Thoughts of what might have been had we moved periodically haunt my imagination. Ever annoyed with the constant state of construction that the city is under, these periods are getting closer to one another.

Pittsburgh's colors are black & yellow; we are the city whose collective professional sports franchises have the same official colors. This random fact is thrown in because the color should actually be ORANGE- the color of construction cones.

Pittsburgh is geographically located near West Virginia. Evidence of this is present at almost all PennDot construction sites vis-a-vis the alleged propensity our neighbors to the south have of producing incestuous offspring. Why in the name of all that is reasonable would two of the three lanes of the outbound 376 interstate (the far right being an eventual exit lane) need to be closed only to have one of them open again after the exit? Come on! Do they think gas comes from water? The city is already suffering with the title of 'most rude drivers'. One wonders why.

We live in the east end of the city, a location we chose based on it's central location in that you can get pretty much anywhere in a relatively short amount of time and with a relative direct route. Now, we can't get anywhere.

The Blvd. of the Allies is closed from the parkway split until the S. Oakland stretch. What good is the damned road at this point? The whole reason it exists in the first place is so that we all don't have to sit in parkway traffic.

Without warning, signage or clear detour, the part of Greenfield that contains the gas station, Pizza Hut, Brewster's, the laundromat, the 'nice' Chinese restaurant and the only way to get to Schenley Park, I-376 in any direction and the other parts of Greenfield, was coned off and the pavement removed. The two lanes of the Greenfield bridge were promptly reduced to one and the collective blood pressure of our 'Fine Residential Community' went up. It has been like that for almost a week now. Again, COME ON!! With the help of a shovel and that big rolly-thing to squish the asphalt into pavement, I, by myself, could have been done with resurfacing in under two days.

All of this begs the question, 'What the hell are they digging all this shit up NOW for?!?!' There are tourists here for once and the Vintage Grand-Prix was this weekend, so I'm sure all the incoming spectators, participants and organizers were just thrilled to have come here in the first place when they discovered that half of the gas they just spent their life savings on would be eaten up whilst sitting in any number of traffic jams our fair city and state created with the asinine construction schedule they pulled from their sphincters.

By the stone of Juno I swear that if this city ever wants to become a place where people want to stay after graduating college, it needs to realize that when tying up traffic on the parkway, three main roads into Oakland and the only realistic access to the Waterfront, parents and prospective students will run to the nearest Penn State campus and enroll there. Why we won't even have to worry about what's to happen to all of the city's graduating student bodies- WE WON'T HAVE ANY!!

I hear the weather in San Diego is nice this time of year (all year 'round in fact).

Labels: construction , Pittsburgh

Our collection of animals… these are only the mammals.

Labels: animals , family

Thank god Cook won Idol. Now I can watch it next season. Wouldn't it just be a shame if my whole entire life revolved around Idol? I'm not that shallow. No. Not me. My life doesn't revolve around anything. The beard I have been growing for the last 13 Pens games is nothing. Obsessed? Maybe. I've often wondered what I would be like as a person if I didn't like sports in general. I literally panic when they overlap one-another... for example I know the Red Sox will be in their playoffs during the Olympics and the Steelers will be playing exhibition game. It is cause for concern.

I wonder if there is someone like me out there in the world who holds Idol in the same regard in their lives as I do sports in mine. It frightens me to think that there might just be.

Labels: Olympics , Penguins , Red Sox , Steelers